spam

Młody

Interior: cheap café. All the customers are Vikings. Mr and Mrs Bun enter—downwards (on wires).

Mr. Bun:
Morning.
Waitress:
Morning.
Mr. Bun:
What have you got, then?
Waitress:
Well there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes, with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle paté, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam.
Mrs. Bun:
Have you got anything without spam in it?
Waitress:
Well, there's spam, egg, sausage and spam. That's not got MUCH spam in it.
Mrs. Bun:
I don't want ANY spam.
Mr. Bun:
Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
Mrs. Bun:
That's got spam in it!
Mr. Bun:
Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.
Mrs. Bun:
Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage, without the spam.
Waitress:
Uuuuuuggggh!
Mrs Bun:
What d'you mean, uugggh! I don't like spam.
Vikings:
(singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... spam, spam, spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam ...

(Brief shot of a Viking ship)

Waitress:
Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam.
Mrs. Bun:
Why not?
Waitress:
No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage, would it?
Mrs. Bun:
I don't like spam!
Mr. Bun:
Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...
Vikings:
(singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam ...
Mr. Bun:
... baked beans, spam, spam and spam.
Waitress:
Baked beans are off.
Mr. Bun:
Well can I have spam instead?
Waitress:
You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam?
Vikings:
(still singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam ... (etc.)
Mr. Bun:
Yes.
Waitress:
Arrggh!
Vikings:
... lovely spam, wonderful spam.
Waitress:
Shut up! Shut up!

(The Vikings shut up momentarily. Enter the Hungarian.)

Hungarian:
Great boobies honeybun, my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam ...
Vikings:
(Singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam ...

(A policeman rushes in and bundles the Hungarian out.)

Hungarian:
(As he leaves) My nipples explode ...

(Cut to an historian) Caption, super. "A HISTORIAN"

Historian:
Another great Viking victory was at the Green Midget café at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was the same. They sailed from these fiords here, (indicating map with arrows on it) assembled at Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled at the Green Midget café and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...
Vikings:
(singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, lovely spam, wonderful spam. Lovely spam, wonderful spam ...